The stages of limerence
We've explored about how limerence can be seen as a state of obsessiveness, with some intrusive storytelling that occurs through fantasy. It’s this movie you have playing in your head 24/7, with one person cast as the star. But what you might not recognise is that this "movie" follows a predictable plot, a script with specific stages, according to Tennov who established the term limerence.
And understanding these stages is can be empowering if you are trying to prevent, manage, or live with limerence. Because when you can see the script, when you know what scene is coming next, you start to get your power back as well as distance yourself from it somewhat. You stop being just an NPC in the story and you can become a more objective observer.
So, let’s get into the four main stages of a limerent episode.
"The Spark"
So, how does it all start? It usually begins with a spark. It feels amazing, right? It’s this moment where someone suddenly takes on a special meaning. It could be a new person, or even a friend you suddenly see in a whole new light.
And in this first stage, it feels... free. It’s exciting. You feel buoyant, like you’re walking on air. Your brain is just starting to spin up these little stories, these little daydreams, and they feel good. You're not obsessed yet, you're just... interested. You might even be juggling this feeling for a couple of people at once. It feels like a choice. It feels like you’re just appreciating their amazing qualities.
This is the most deceptive stage, because it feels so positive. You have no idea what you’re walking into.
"Setting up the Plot" (crystallisation)
This is where the script begins to take shape. If you receive a small positive sign from them, such as a nice comment or a long glance, your brain latches onto it. That’s when the story takes form.
This is the stage Stendhal called "crystallisation." You start building that idealised persona of them that we know takes hold during limerence. You're not just thinking about them anymore; you're actively crafting a narrative where they are perfect (at least, it feels that way emotionally). You emotionally hone into every good quality and explain any flaw as something to overcome or an imperfection on an art piece worth studying.
Your thoughts become increasingly preoccupied with them. You’re replaying every little interaction, analysing every word. It's not 100% of your brain yet, but it’s ramping up and it’s fun, it’s engaging, it’s becoming more of a centre-stage plot in your life. The euphoria is real here, but it’s mostly dependent on you believing they could feel it too. Either now, or in the future.
"The Obsession" (intensification)
A lot of the pain occurs at this stage. This is where limerence takes on an obsessive tone. The things that kick this into high gear are uncertainty, doubt, and obstacles. Maybe they become less available or start spending time with a new person. Maybe you see them dating someone. Whatever it is, that mix of hope and terrible uncertainty is the fuel.
Your brain goes into overdrive trying to "solve" the problem. The storytelling becomes frantic. This is where you get those hero fantasies we talked about, where you have to save them or prove your worth. Your preoccupation shoots up to 100%. Every single thought, every waking moment, is about them. It’s that constant, painful rumination. Your mood is completely at their mercy. A nice text can send you to the moon. Silence can crush you for days. You start losing yourself completely to the story, because finishing the story feels more important than your own reality.
“Fin”
Every story has an ending, and a limerent episode will always end in one of three ways.
First, there's consummation. This is what your brain thinks it wants. You get the reciprocation you've been fighting for. But here’s the thing—the obsession usually can't survive this. The story is over. Once the uncertainty is gone, that intense limerent feeling starts to fade, usually over one to two years. It might transform into a stable, loving bond, which is the ideal. Or, you might find that the real person doesn't match the character you wrote for them, and the feeling just... dissolves.
Second, there's starvation. This is the painful crash. You're hit with so much undeniable evidence that they don't feel the same way that your brain simply can't create any more stories. There’s no more hope to feed on. It’s brutal, it’s a state of grief, but it is an ending. The obsession starves to death.
And third, there’s transformation. This is when your limerence for one person fades, and you transfer that entire world of feeling onto someone new. You just re-cast the lead role in your movie. The old story ends because a new one has begun.
Conclusion
So those are the stages. The Spark, the Story Taking Hold, the Obsession, and the End of the Movie. When you feel that spark, when you feel yourself starting to write that script, just be aware of the road you're on. Recognise the patterns, because understanding that you're in a story is the first step to being able to write your own ending.
