The 13 signs of limerence
Limerence is a term used to describe a state of intense infatuation and focus on getting reciprocation from another person (romantic, sexual, or neither). It's a concept that goes beyond just attraction, characterised by intrusive thoughts and an emotional dependency on the person (aka “limerent object” or LO) of affection. While limerence isn't inherently pathological (it’s often an early step of falling in love for someone), for some individuals, these feelings can become overwhelming and disruptive.
Key components of limerence as per Dorothy Tennov’s book “Love and Limerence”:
Intrusive thinking about the limerent object (LO), who is perceived as a potential sexual partner.
Acute longing for reciprocation. You feel the need for them to return your feelings, prioritise you, or have you as their special person.
Mood dependency on the LO's actions, specifically the interpretation of those actions regarding the likelihood of reciprocation.
Inability to experience limerence towards more than one person at a time (exceptions may occur when limerence is weak).
Fleeting relief from unrequited passion through vivid fantasies of reciprocation from the LO. This can also become what’s called maladaptive daydreaming.
Fear of rejection and often debilitating shyness in the LO's presence, particularly at the beginning and during times of uncertainty.
Intensification of feelings through adversity (up to a certain point).
Acute sensitivity to any action, thought, or situation that can be interpreted favourably.
Extraordinary ability to create "reasonable" explanations for neutral behaviour from the LO, perceiving it as a sign of hidden passion.
An aching sensation in the chest ("heart") during periods of strong uncertainty.
A feeling of buoyancy or elation when reciprocation seems evident.
A general intensity of feeling that overshadows other concerns.
A remarkable tendency to emphasise the LO's admirable qualities and overlook or rationalise their negative traits, even transforming them emotionally into positive attributes.
Is limerence problematic?
For many, limerence is a temporary phase in the early stages of a relationship. However, when these intense feelings persist, become all-consuming, and interfere with daily life, they can be problematic. The emotional rollercoaster of limerence can lead to anxiety, depression, and a distorted perception of reality.
Moving forward
If you suspect that you or someone you know is experiencing limerence that's become unhealthy, seeking support from a coach, therapist or mental health professional can be beneficial. Understanding the dynamics of limerence is the first step toward managing its intensity and fostering healthier relationship patterns.
