Is it love or limerence?

This one gets thrown around a lot. It’s worth answering, since to think the two are clearly distinguishable, there are a few things we’ll need to think about first. Mainly, why would human brains have a mechanism for falling into limerence in the first place?

Limerence is described as an intense mental and emotional state of romantic attraction marked by intrusive thoughts, longing, and emotional dependency on another person. Typically characterised by an intense preoccupation with the object of one's affection, limerence can include feelings of exhilaration when together or things are going well and anxiety when apart or things are going well.

In a way, limerence represents the early stages of romantic love—an all-consuming drive that reorganises your priorities. Hopefully, not for long, but for some, it can either happen in inappropriate setups or last a disproportionate amount of time.

However, limerence is not the end point of romantic love, it is often the beginning for certain people. With time and if the other person reciprocates, limerence transitions from this infatuated state into a more grounded and stable form of love. That’s the trajectory.

Grounded development of love is characterised by trust and stability that take out much of the guesswork around whether the other person feels the same.

Natural progression

In reciprocal romantic relationships, the limerent state typically shifts as partners develop a deeper understanding of each other. Shared experiences, communication, and establishing trust can support this transition. As partners begin to see each other beyond their initial fantasies, they cultivate a more realistic and nuanced view of one another. This is crucial for evolving from a short-lived infatuation to a lasting connection.

Does it matter?

I think people ask if limerence is love because they don’t want to be in love with the person they’re limerent towards, that’s okay to admit. But the truth is a bit complicated, it’s like limerence is a mechanism for falling in love, but it can become targetted toward someone you don’t eventually fall in love with more concretely. Yet it’s possible (and likely the point limerence is even a thing) to fall in love with someone you are first limerent toward, or at least it seems that’s a step when you’re on that path.

Recognising the difference between limerence and grounded love is essential for navigating romantic challenges. If individuals find themselves stuck, seeking guidance through coaching or therapy may provide strategies to foster deeper emotional connections and help shift from infatuation to a more sustainable partnership.

For those who feel trapped in the limerent phase, the journey may involve introspection, open communication, and a willingness to embrace vulnerability. With patience and reflection, you can enhance your understanding of yourself and focus on love that goes beyond the excitement/suffering cycle of limerence with the depth of a lasting bond. Understanding your patterns is a good place to start.

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